Ooh, I have a Mission! And suddenly I know what it is! I've been brought here to stop the fighting and bring balance to the Force! Okay!
I fire up my pink lightsaber with the little showery glitter-trails and do a combination backflip-triple-toe-loop-quad-salchow, landing flawlessly between the two guys. I thrust my sabre between theirs and with a high clear note like a choir singing, the three sabres meet in a burst of white light.
"Stop!" I cry. "The fighting must cease!"
There's a sort of embarrassed silence and then the two guys step back, looking at me all funny. But I'm not worried. The Force tells me that I will be the instrument of peace between these two warriors and bring harmony and prosperity to the galaxy, and also that my cute violet Jedi robes clash with my glowing red hair. Stupid Force.
"Is this some Sith trick?" the guy with the cute braid demands.
The guy with the horns scratches at his earlobe. "Um," he says, "no."
"What do you mean, no?"
"Oh, everything has to be our fault, doesn't it, the bathrooms in the Jedi Temple can't run out of hand soap without someone blaming the Dark Lords of the Sith for it, I suppose your hairdo is our fault too!"
The guy with the braid bristles. "At least I have hair. I don't even want to know where your Padawan braid is."
I stamp my foot delicately, silencing them instantly. "Enough! Darth Maul, Obi-Wan Kenobi, do you not know me?"
Another awkward silence. The two Jedi look at each other, then at me.
"I have a very bad memory for faces," Maul temporizes.
"Oh, yes, of course," Obi-Wan says vaguely. "We met at, um, the place with the thing. A while ago. How could I forget such a charming, lovely woman so strong in the Force?"
I roll my huge cerulean eyes at them. "Duh, I mean does the Force tell you nothing about me?"
There is a moment of stillness as the two Jedi open themselves to the Force. I feel it swirling around me like some sort of big swirly thing, surrounding us, penetrating us, binding the galaxy together. Finally Darth Maul emerges from his meditation and opens his eyes.
"The Force says purple doesn't suit you."
Ooo! Stupid Force, you'd think it didn't want to be balanced! "It isn't purple, it's violet. And my name is Mary Sue, and I am here to bring peace to the galaxy and balance to the Force, even if it doesn't know a cute outfit when it sees one!"
"Well, you are very beautiful, and I can tell even without taking readings that your midichlorion count is at least ten times higher than Master Yoda's, and also that you are a brilliant bard and diplomat and sing like an angel when you're not constructing lightsabers out of hairpins and compact mirrors," Obi-Wan says. "But there can be no peace between me and this Sith... person. He killed my Master."
"Oh, piffle," I say airily, rather pleased that someone finally got it right. "Not only am I all the things you said and also know more languages than a protocol droid, I am also a brilliant healer. Watch!"
I skip over to Qui-Gon and kneel beside him, laying my hand on his chest. My brow furrows in concentration, but not too much because furrowing leads to frown lines and frown lines lead to being wrinkled like a Shar-Pei. Sure enough, Qui-Gon is still alive, but just barely; it will surely take all the skills of a healer as gifted as myself to keep the delicate thread of his life from breaking. But of course I manage it, after an effort that makes me all pale and fragile and stuff; the thread grows and flares into life, the wound closes under my hand, and Qui-Gon stands up and dusts himself off, looking a little puzzled.
"Master! You're alive!" Obi-Wan cries. In a flash he has shut off his lightsaber and taken a flying leap, landing with arms and legs wrapped around his Master, and - hey, wait! They're not supposed to be doing that! Hello, Mary Sue, most beautiful woman in the Universe, totally Force-adept, what am I, chopped liver?
"Excuse me!" I say pointedly.
"Do the two of you mind?" Darth Maul demands. "I have a schedule to keep to."
Obi-Wan climbs down off Qui-Gon and fires up his lightsaber again. "Let's go, then, spawn of evil!"
I dart back between them, lifting my sparkly pink lightsaber threateningly. "He's not evil. He's just misguided. And needs a hug and the love of a good woman. And anyway, you can't kill him. I have foreseen that through mystical tantric Force stuff the two of you will magically father my child -"
"Two of them fathering one child?" Qui-Gon asks a bit dubiously, and if he weren't all big and virile and manly and stuff I might be really peeved with him for that.
"I told you, it's mystical tantric Force stuff. The two of you will father my child through a spiritual immaculate conception, except after that we'll have sex anyway because then we'll have a mystic soul bond too -"
"The Sith do not form mystic soul bonds," Maul says stiffly. "They're too... girly."
"Excuse me, if I could just finish?" I ask pointedly, glaring at him. Really, you know, I'm totally not one to fish for compliments or be all demanding, but hi, savior of the galaxy? A little appreciation, here? "So then we'll have this mystic soul bond and when the child is born he will automatically bring balance to the Force! See?"
"We already have a child born to bring balance to the Force," Qui-Gon says repressively. I'm not sure I like the way he keeps eyeing me and then that big bottomless pit.
"You just think he was but you're wrong," I inform him. "The whole chosen-one vibe was a trick of the Dark Side -"
"Ha!" Obi-Wan says triumphantly.
" - and if you'd fallen for it it would have been really really bad and he would have grown up to be all lame and whiny and look really stupid in black, but I've come to prevent that from happening." There is a stir of the Force within me and I gasp, placing a hand on my stomach. "The child is conceived! Come on, now, group hug!"
"I think it's just indigestion," Qui-Gon says.
I stamp my foot in adorable petulance. "I? Am Mary Sue. I do not get gastrointestinal disorders even when I get pulled through magical vortices to worlds that have never heard of sewage treatment plants. I'm pregnant, can't you see me glowing?"
"You got pregnant from standing in a room with three guys?" Obi-Wan says, looking a little rattled.
"I got pregnant through the mystical forces of Destiny and the vibes created by the intermingling of the Dark and Light sides of the Force in this room. That's why the child will bring balance."
Obi-Wan frowns and looks back at Qui-Gon. "Master, what does it mean to bring balance to the Force, anyway? Why do we want it balanced?"
"Well..." Qui-Gon begins dubiously.
"I don't think the Sith want balance brought to the Force," Maul puts in. "Then we'd have to live at the Temple with the rest of the Jedi, and do things like creche duty and overseeing bake sales. It's hard to keep the Evil Overlord image going with a toddler beating you over the head with a stuffed Wookie."
"Well," Qui-Gon says again, more decisively this time, and gives me a little bow. "Your time and effort are much appreciated, milady, but I believe the Force is fine the way it is."
"Does that mean we don't have to train Anakin?" Obi-Wan asks wistfully. "I didn't want to say anything, but -"
"No, my Padawan, I believe we will return Anakin to his mother. He really is too old to begin training, after all."
"But what about MY baby?" I demand, completely losing patience. I mean, wow, I know they're supposed to hate me for fifty chapters and then fall madly in love with me, but this is just stupid.
"Indigestion," the three of them say simultaneously.
Indigestion, the Force whispers in my mind. And pink really is not your color either.
Darth Maul pulls back his sleeve and checks his watch. "Look, I hate to break up the party, but I really have to run. Nefarious plans run on a tight schedule."
"Oh, are you off?" Obi-Wan asks. "All right, then. Tell your Master we'll be hunting him down and hauling him to justice before the Jedi Council."
"I'll do that. Give our best to the Council and tell them that their reign in the galaxy has come to an end."
"But -" I begin to protest.
"You will go back home now," Qui-Gon informs me, doing the little Jedi hand wiggle thing. Fortunately I am completely immune to attempts at mind control.
"Well, maybe I'll just go home, then," I snap. A vortex opens behind me and I sweep huffily into it. If they don't appreciate me, I'll just go somewhere else and leave them to screw up the galaxy with their stupid picky out-of-balance Force. As the vortex closes behind me I see the three of them waving, and not one of them looks like he's about to shed a forlorn tear or tell me that I'm taking all the light in the world with me.
Really, at least in Middle-Earth I got to shag Legolas.
